hot topic: relationships

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You will likely experience some or all of these issues if your relationship is in danger of failing:

1: A lack of communication that leads to fighting rather than negotiating your shared needs

2: Long-term stress which can lead to Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression

3: Consistent worry about your relationship

4: Thoughts of separation or divorce

5: Aggression or other outbursts.

6: A feeling that there is an emotional wall between you and your partner

7: A lack of trust in what is said or done by your partner

8: Starting to look around for better relationship options 

9: Increase in the use of emotional regulators such as alcohol, food etc.

10: A persistent feeling that your partner does not 'get you'.

11: Spending more time apart.

Most people who experience a relationship going down have past issues that they have not resolved and those issues are affecting your mood and thoughts; or you may be under serious physical mental and emotional pressure, or both!

Sometimes relationships start to fall apart when there is change in the relationship like a child being born, financial insecurity, loss of employment, substance dependence or mental health issues. 

What to do about it:

If you are not getting along with people in your life you are more likely to have difficulty coping and this can be a 'slippery slope' if left unattended. The old fashioned way of dealing with issues by forgetting them or 'sweeping them under the rug' is not an approach that leads to good outcomes. 

There are some things we often have to do to save a relationship:

1: Recognise that there is a problem

2: Go to a GP or other professional to begin to address underlying personal issues if there are any.

3: Learn coping strategies for the management of our own issues.

4: Learn about people in general; how we process emotional and cognitive information.

5: Adopt strategies for the management of thoughts/feelings

6: Use personal skills to begin relationship repair where possible

7: Continue to practice. 

8: Coaching or counselling may also be of benefit.

Addressing relationship issues and taking responsibility for our thoughts, words and deeds is often the hardest thing we will do. If it was easy, then more relationships would survive.

It can be hard to 'lean into' the hurt and make effective efforts to move forward, toward self-understanding and relationship repair.  

  Narcissism is a combined spectrum of behaviours and a person may not exhibit all of them right away. Often you are not aware when meeting and dating that there is even a problem as they can appear very safe, charming and can seem to ‘morph’ into what you are looking for. But over time things change. No-one I know has said that they entered into a relationship to experience 

someone who is;

· self-enamoured, self-absorbed

· controlling

· demonstrating low empathy

· displaying an attitude of entitlement

· chronically mismanaging anger

· manipulative or exploitative

· feeling superior

· living in an ‘alternate reality’

· Pathologically defensive

Dishonest

Unfortunately, it is easy to be susceptible to the behaviours exhibited by this kind of personality. 

Here are some of the symptoms of being in a relationship with someone displaying narcissism:

1. An ongoing feeling that YOU are at fault for their behaviour, feelings and thoughts as there is a consistent blame-shift that makes this type of person 'never wrong'. 

2. A deep sense of anxiety that can lead to 'people pleasing'. 

3. Difficulty sleeping. 

4. Changes in appetite; either eating too much or not enough. 

5. A decrease in self-care. 

6. Increasing isolation from friends and family as the person will continually dislike your friends, family and will attempt to isolate you. 

7. Increase in your alcohol or drug consumption to cope. 

8. More self-doubt as the person 'gaslights' you and you begin to second-guess yourself.

9. Loss of self-identity as you move into 'survival mode'. 

10. Other forms of Domestic violence (such as physical, emotional, sexual, financial) as violent coercion is used to gain power and control.

How to manage the situation:

You might find yourself at the GP, depressed and anxious. It could be a good time to get a GP mental health care plan to practice self-care. 

Furthermore, it is important to learn:

1. Behavioural responses that will reduce the power that the person has over you. 

2. The extent of the problematic behaviours and what is behind them. 

3. Safety planning

4. To avoid these relationships in the future by being able to recognise and (if you would like to) address power and control issues from the get-go.

Upon coming out of these relationships, it is also important to rebuild self-esteem.

Individual skills training and coaching in Perth or online: 

• Initial consult $250 

(75 minutes)

• Follow-ups $220 

(60 minutes).

Start the ball rolling by calling our Mundaring and Canning Vale offices on 0488 186 603. For new clients, we offer a hot special; a $22, 20-minute phone consultation with David for you to gain new perspective asap.