Are you concerned about Depression within yourself or a loved one? Please see a GP, or encourage your friends or loved ones to, if depression is suspected.
There may be a myriad causes of Depression, but in this blog we will talk about the emotional aspect.
Firstly, what is the difference between feeling and emotion?
A feeling is an experience that is often felt in the body and an emotion is the 'energy in motion' creating the feelings.
We all experience feelings to varying degrees. Some people have a particular habit of bottling-up their emotions and not being aware of their feelings.
We have a saying in the mental health sphere that 'depression is suppression'.
Approaching the subject
Some people may want to express how they feel, although some genuinely lack the words to do so. This may be for a variety of reasons such as habit and for some, speaking about feelings was not modelled or acceptable to them as young people. Or, talking about emotions and feelings, might still be thought of as weakness.
It is OK to ask how they are feeling. However, be careful to enquire without blame and it's best not to don't 'poke the bear' with criticism or accusatory approaches. You may honestly think you are helping by heaping your disappointments upon them, 'wake them up' so to speak, but this approach can easily makes things worse.
Be open and honest about your concern and tell the person you love them and want the best for them. Very few people want to hurt you with their mood and the realisation that they may be unintentionally hurting you with their mood, can cause further guilt and shame.
Dialogue is the best remedy for not coping with feelings and then seek professional advice when needed.
"It's always okay to ask, "ARE YOU OKAY?"
When most of our initial communication is non-verbal, then how important is the talking part? Well, pretty important if you want to progress your connection with someone. Some helpful guidelines for when you meet someone new:
1: 80/20 rule: When talking, generally 80% is about them and 20% is about you.
2: Try not to talk too deeply at first
3: Try not to talk about any ex-partners
4: If possible, refrain from talking about your mental health issues
6: If you can, talk positively about your job or other activities you are doing
7: Find out about their passions if you feel okay to do so
8: If they have a career, enquire into how they got there and what they enjoy about
DEALING WITH NEGATIVITY
If someone is negative or unhappy when talking about a topic, just acknowledge their feelings and then slowly move the conversation to something more comfortable.
People when talking have certain 'key words' that have 'meaning' in other words they will have feelings attached to them. Look for the key words and ask questions around those words to expand the conversation. In this way you will have to say very little in relation to the other persons contribution to the conversation.
Our courses will go through this is much, much more detail with practice in the classroom and the field
Good luck and happy connecting
OVERALL ITS ABOUT THE FEELS
At the end of the day my old adage is, "How you make someone feel is how you feel about them." Relationship building is about getting all of your ducks of physical, mental and emotional communication in a row, building commonality then continuing this dance toward your ultimate relationship goals.
I often get asked, "Why do I keep going out with the same person with a different face?" Answer: Because we encode our relationship choices in early life and there are other factors that impact on our unconscious decision making .
Complex trauma can cause our past thoughts and feelings to affect the way we engage with other people. Sometimes our trauma can affect our mental health status and we may have a high degree of anxiety and depression. Our experience may lead us to attract someone who triggers our trauma and this is complicated.
We have emotional 'impressions' called 'drivers' that are activated when our trauma is triggered and this can lead to responses that are repeated often automatically and unconsciously.
BREAKING THE CYCLE
To break the thinking, feeling and behavioural cycle we might look at:
1: Naming it to tame it; understanding our experience & how it has affected us.
2: Feel it to reveal it to heal it; managing our emotions by building emotional resilience and for that we have to 'feel how we feel.' Most of my clients tell me this is the hardest one
3: Rewire to recover; start developing new patterns of behaviour and practicing them consistently even if we perceive failure. What fires together wires together!
My coach always says that there is no such thing as confidence, only dogged determination (Dr David Snyder). In this way we have to keep on trying even if we a 'failing our way to success'. The more we repeat the exercise, the stronger the new neural wiring and the more resilient we become, thus creating emotional tolerance and recovery over time.
You will likely experience some or all of these issues if your relationship is in danger of failing:
1: A lack of communication that leads to fighting rather than negotiating your shared needs
2: Long-term stress which can lead to Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression
3: Consistent worry about your relationship
4: Thoughts of separation or divorce
5: Aggression or other outbursts.
6: A feeling that there is an emotional wall between you and your partner
7: A lack of trust in what is said or done by your partner
8: Starting to look around for better relationship options
9: Increase in the use of emotional regulators such as alcohol, food etc.
10: A persistent feeling that your partner does not 'get you'.
11: Spending more time apart.
Most people who experience a relationship going down have past issues that they have not resolved and those issues are affecting your mood and thoughts; or you may be under serious physical mental and emotional pressure, or both!
Sometimes relationships start to fall apart when there is change in the relationship like a child being born, financial insecurity, loss of employment, substance dependence or mental health issues.
What to do about it:
If you are not getting along with people in your life you are more likely to have difficulty coping and this can be a 'slippery slope' if left unattended. The old fashioned way of dealing with issues by forgetting them or 'sweeping them under the rug' is not an approach that leads to good outcomes.
There are some things we often have to do to save a relationship:
1: Recognise that there is a problem
2: Go to a GP or other professional to begin to address underlying personal issues if there are any.
3: Learn coping strategies for the management of our own issues.
4: Learn about people in general; how we process emotional and cognitive information.
5: Adopt strategies for the management of thoughts/feelings
6: Use personal skills to begin relationship repair where possible
7: Continue to practice.
8: Coaching or counselling may also be of benefit.
Addressing relationship issues and taking responsibility for our thoughts, words and deeds can be the hardest thing we will do. If it was easy, then more relationships would survive.
It can be hard to 'lean into' the hurt and make effective efforts to move forward, toward self-understanding and relationship repair.
Narcissism is a combined spectrum of behaviours and a person may not exhibit all of them right away. Often you are not aware when meeting and dating that there is even a problem as they can appear very safe, charming and can seem to ‘morph’ into what you are looking for. But over time things change. No-one I know has said that they entered into a relationship to experience
someone who is;
· self-enamoured, self-absorbed
· demonstrating low empathy
· displaying an attitude of entitlement
· chronically mismanaging anger
· manipulative or exploitative
· feeling superior
· living in an ‘alternate reality’
· Pathologically defensive
Unfortunately, it is easy to be susceptible to the behaviours exhibited by this kind of personality.
Here are some of the symptoms of being in a relationship with someone displaying narcissism:
1. An ongoing feeling that YOU are at fault for their behaviour, feelings and thoughts as there is a consistent blame-shift that makes this type of person 'never wrong'.
2. A deep sense of anxiety that can lead to 'people pleasing'.
3. Difficulty sleeping.
4. Changes in appetite; either eating too much or not enough.
5. A decrease in self-care.
6. Increasing isolation from friends and family as the person will continually dislike your friends, family and will attempt to isolate you.
7. Increase in your alcohol or drug consumption to cope.
8. More self-doubt as the person 'gaslights' you and you begin to second-guess yourself.
9. Loss of self-identity as you move into 'survival mode'.
10. Other forms of Domestic violence (such as physical, emotional, sexual, financial) as violent coercion is used to gain power and control.
How to manage the situation:
You might find yourself at the GP, depressed and anxious. It could be a good time to get a GP mental health care plan to practice self-care.
Furthermore, it is important to learn:
1. Behavioural responses that will reduce the power that the person has over you.
2. The extent of the problematic behaviours and what is behind them.
3. Safety planning
4. To avoid these relationships in the future by being able to recognise and (if you would like to) address power and control issues.
Upon coming out of these relationships, it is also important to rebuild self-esteem.
Here is a sneak peak of some of the content you are likely to learn about with
Milan Coaching and Training.
THE EMOTIONAL BOTTLE (TM)
We use the Emotional Bottle tool in both corporate training events and empowerment workshops.
The 'Emotional Bottle' allows you to create a snapshot of what is going on for yourself and others without having to know personal details.
The tool has the ability to identify both helpful and potentially unhelpful coping strategies to deal with physical, mental or emotional stressors.
Participants also look at what they are doing to process events and experiences. Individuals can analyse how they are managing external pressures as well. Participants are then in a better position to understand themselves and others and from that point on, in a better position to achieve desired changes.
Building rapport and connected relationships requires a deep understanding of self and others. Non-reactivity means responding, as opposed to just reacting, which in turn gives us a basis to build powerful rapport quickly and safely.
Did know that boundary setting has rules! If you don't follow the rules then the boundaries are likely to fail. There is a difference between limits and boundaries. When we set a boundary we are drawing a line in the sand. When we set a limit we are introducing flexibility to the outcome. Knowing how to set boundaries effectively is important for any workplace and professional relationship.
Our everyday life can impact on us on many ways. Family, friends, career, world politics and even Covid 19 create stress that fills our emotional and cognitive bottle.
DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS?
Start the ball rolling by calling our Mundaring and Canning Vale offices on 0488 186 603. For new clients, we offer a hot special; a $22, 20-minute phone consultation with David for you to gain new perspective asap